Cullens, Meet the Winchesters
by AliZoe
Summary: Dean and Sam Winchester are off on another hunt only to come to realize the ridiculousness of what's in store. **Viewed from their point of view. If you're a "Supernatural" fan, you'll find this hilarious. If you're a Twilight fan, well, let's just say that the Winchesters are VERY good at what they do! Written for writer/viewer's laughs. All respect to creators and author.
1. Chapter 0-Prologue

Cullens, Meet the Winchesters

AliZoe

AliZoe (c) 2014

Prologue

Another Day on the Job

Eating at the local diner in the middle of nowhere seemed harmless...and it was. The drip, greasy bacon cheeseburger hit the spot to the "T" in the pit of one of the brother's stomach. The stringy cheddar cheese stretched from his lips with each bite as the crackling bacon oozed with perfection. Licking his fingers, he grabbed a pinch full of fries, dunked them in ketchup, and stuffed them in his mouth. The baked potato-iness made them that much more satisfying: soft center with a crunchy chomp. "Mmm!" he grunted while smacking his lips. "Nothin' better than eatin' some good ol' classic American after a hunt!" Taking a swig of his favorite drink, he dove into his burger once again. "Waitress!? Hit me with a slice of apple pie a la mode!"

"Dean, could you at least swallow before talking?" his brother asked in exasperation.

"What? It's a compliment, Sam!" he rebutted with a wide grin. His lips spread over the mound of food stuffed between his cheeks as the pretty waitress placed a hot slice of pie next to him. She rolled her eyes as she trudged away. Taking a whiff, the smell of cinnamon and butter filled his nose as the vanilla bean ice cream melted into every crevasse of the lardy crust. "Mmm! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Want some?"

"No thanks, I'm fine with my coffee…"

Pushing the half-chewed cow to one cheek, he continued, "You know, Sam, when you live the life that we do, you gotta enjoy the simple things in life!"

"I'll log that away, thanks," Sam smiled, shaking his head. One of many cell phones began buzzing in his pocket. Scrunching his eyebrows, he pulled it out and flipped it open. "Hey…yeah?...Are you sure?...Alright, where?...Are you serious?...All the way up there?...Sure, yeah. We just finished a job and needed somewhere to head. Thanks Bobby," he sighed. "Bobby found us a job. Apparently, we have some vampires to hunt."

"Sweet! I hate those things! After killing another freaking Wendigo, I can handle some vamps! Where at?"

"Forks, Washington."

"Forks? Never heard of it, you're making that up."

"Nope, Bobby said '_Forks'_."

"Alright, do we know how many vamps we're dealing with?"

"Around eight."

"Piece of cake! We'll be in and out in no time!" Dean smacked. Placing his pointer finger in his mouth, he cleaned his molars. "This is seriously the best burger I've ever eaten! You gotta try it!"

"No thanks, once again!"

"Suit yourself." Biting off another chunk of beef while the other sipped his coffee, Dean and Sam Winchester were ready to take on another nest. They were the pros and were fueled for the extermination.


	2. Chapter 1-Fast In My Car

****Okay, so I'm satirizing a lot in this chapter and will continue to do so due to the nature of this story being a parody; therefore, I hope you enjoyed the words as much as I did. I also have worked at Fast Food, so I understand all the questions required by the job to ask people. I obviously exaggerated, but you get the point. The story takes place in the movie _Breaking Dawn Pt. 2_ and the events from _Supernatural_ are in no chronological order; thus, making that part of the xover more of an AU. I'm also in university right now, so I have homework and several jobs that take up most of my time. So thanks for being patient with me and updating my stories might take a little longer than I want. Just for your info...thanks! Enjoy!**

Cullens, Meet the Winchesters

AliZoe

AliZoe (c) 2014

Chapter One

Fast in my car

"Fast in My Car" by Paramore

The classic 1967 black Chevrolet Impala, whom Dean called "Baby", practically lived in Hell with them, driving back and forth, here to there, escorting them from one doom pit to another. It had been resurrected many a time from death as well. I guess it ran in the family.

The drives they took together often made their brotherly bond that much stronger, despite the constant replay of the same old school rock songs bellowing from the speakers with Dean's terrible karaoke voice. Sam mostly slept...or he tried to at least. Neither of them slept much these days. Hell literally haunted their dreams as the memories of their time there had thwarted any attempt at having a normal REM cycle.

Driving through the night seemed to be the only thing that would get them to their destination in a timely manner. Baby's headlights glared through the pitch black night on the winding roads that glided alongside the mountainside. What would make any sane man white-knuckled at the wheel, Dean skidded through the turns with ease as Baby's motor happily hummed to the tunes with him. "Highway to Hell" were the lyrics of the hour.

"Have you ever thought about these lyrics, Sam?"

"Not really," Sam moaned, resting his head against the window. The coldness of the glass soothed his mind as the question caused more damage than its innocent nature. "I was literally dragged down to Hell, Dean. So it's not something I care to reminisce often."

"Yeah, I saw the whole thing...and I was ripped to shreds to get there," Dean snorted as a passing remark while taking a bite of a Hostess cherry pie. Although horrible as it sounded, and it was, going to Hell strengthened their bond as the Winchester brothers. Being more open about the experience barely started trickling into their conversations.

Peeking out of one eye, Sam glanced over at Dean chomping away at the pocket of glucose and high fructose corn sugar. "You're going to crash in the morning and we'll both head back downstairs because of your stupidity."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We've been driving all night. A sugar binge won't last forever! You need something more sustaining if we're going to be driving this long."

"Since when are you a health nut?"

"Since _always!_ Eat like an apple or something."

"Like apple pie?" Dean smirked through cherry globs.

"Jerk," Sam grinned at the sarcasm.

"B**ch." Those two words were the closest these brothers would say to _love you bro_ that you could expect from their mouths.

Driving through the Rocky Mountains proved to be a beautiful sight, but the remembrance of Wendigos and random haunted log cabins in similar settings made them less glorious to behold. What else could possibly be lurking in those trees? Passing through the valleys and dips of Utah provided a lightness to the drive. The road felt more at peace and content here. Daylight had crept through the angles of the mountain range hours before. Nothing _that _scary snuck about this hour, and even if it did, with the vibes of these two master exterminators in the air, nothing dared penetrate the shadows.

"Should we take a pitstop in Vegas?" Dean asked, feeling eager.

"That's south; we need to head north, so no. Maybe on the way back," Sam grumbled as he readjusted himself on the seating. His long legs cramped against the dashboard. The knots in his muscles laughed at the discomfort and continued to wind and tense at every turn. "We should take a pitstop though. I need to take a break, stretch out, and definitely eat something other than your chips and pies!"

"Sounds great to me! What sounds good? Drive-thru? or sit down?" Dean's stomach slowly growled at the thought of food.

"I just said I need to _stand up and stretch_! Going through a drive-thru would be the exact opposite of that."

"Sit down it is…" Dean beamed as he swerved off the exit. Horns honked behind them as fists of road rage shook in the air, but the magnetic pull of some finger-licking food drove the manic steering. "It's probably better too; my leg is falling asleep…" Not seconds after they pulled off the exit, the bombardment of restaurants at every corner compelled the eye. "Hey! Look at the size of that burger on that ad on the window! _Love_ me a good burger!" His stomach barked even louder out of lust for food.

"That's _probably_ not even what it looks like in real life, Dean...besides, I'm not in the mood for fast food…" Sam half-rolled his eyes. He felt like his arteries were clogging just by looking at the picture of the carnivore's choice of a beastly sandwich. Frowning, he glanced across the street at the soup and salad joint with wanting eyes. "_That _looks healthier. I don't want to eat something and then have it sit like a rock in my stomach for the rest of the drive."

"Well, I'll grab me that colossal burger and I'll meet you at that salady place…" Dean waved his hand, blowing off Sam's opinion with an obviously forced smile. Shrugging his shoulders, Sam agreed.

Parking Baby in the shared parking lot of the two restaurants, Dean turned on his swag as he stepped out of his pride and joy. Placing some shades on his face, he popped his collar. _**OH**_ _yeah! _ Jealous eyes stared-you know dat's right! Rolling his eyes, Sam chuckled to himself, shaking his head.

"I'll save you a seat," Sam smirked. Clicking his tongue in his mouth, Dean showed off his pearly whites, inclining his head. Turning to go to their polar-opposite eateries, Dean strut into the burger joint like he owned the place. Layers of aromas ranging from grease, fries, and heaps of ground beef filled Dean's nose with intoxicating pleasure. His stomach, now ravenous, roared in protest, the FEED ME NOW impatience. The restaurant had an atmosphere of fast paced, sweaty, and loud as the workers behind the counter were fumbling past each other like a bunch of worker bees attempting to accomplish a million things all at once.

The line, although fast, felt like an eternity as he instinctively observed the people around him. They had _no idea_ what crept out there in the world. They had _no idea_ that the entirety of the world as they know it almost collapsed around them..._twice!_ Between the evaded apocalypse to the destruction of the Leviathans, he knew he would never get a thank you, _never_ feel that warmth of someone with gratitude. He was past caring about the "thank you's" and the fame and glory. He had Sam, Bobby, Castiel (when convenient), and all of the other crazy hunters who joined the madness. This was life.

Finally reaching the register, the petite overly zealous, overly bubbly 17-year old cashier girl oggled at Dean's ruggedness. "Welcome! What can I get for _you?_"

"I would like that burger on the window," he replied glancing over the menu of high caloric food.

"Is this in a combo meal today?"

"Uh, sure, why not?"

"Is that mega sized today?"

"_Mega_ sized? Uh, yeah, whatever."

"Any tomatoes, onions, cheese, or bacon on your burger today?"

"It doesn't come with all that?"

"It's _only_ $0.30 each and $1.00 for the bacon," she grinned flirtatiously.

"'_Only'_? Well, what comes on it normally?" Dean's stomach barked, not amused.

"Ketchup," her eyes opened wider as his mood became H_angry_.

"_Are you kidding me?_ It only comes with ketchup? For $7.50? How much for pickles and mayonnaise?" his eyebrows scrunched.

"Pickles are $0.10 each and mayonnaise is $0.20." Her smile was obviously fakely forced at his displeasure. He paused and stared at her in an unamused amazement, contemplating the exact total of the whole burger itself.

"Fine, I'll take the works."

"Is that three pickles?"

"Sure, yeah," his answers getting more abrupt and callace.

"Would you like ice in your drink?"

"Don't tell me I have to pay for _ice_…"

"It's $0.10," her smile, robotic at this point.

"Don't I just get it myself?"

"No, it's behind the counter. We get that for you."

"..."

"Did you want ice?"

"Fine…I'll have a Coke."

"We have Pepsi products…"

"...Pepsi will have to do…" he sighed.

"Great! For here or to go?"

"To go!" he replied quickly, not wanting to be charged to sit down or something obnoxious like that.

"Your total is $14.19."

"_$14.19?!_" his jaw dropped to the counter.

"Yes, $7.50 for the burger, $0.30 for a tomato, $0.30 for a slice of cheese, $0.30 for onions, $0.30 for three pickles, $1.00 for bacon, $0.20 for mayonnaise, $0.10 for ice, $3.00 to Mega-size, $0.20 for a to-go bag, and plus tax," she spat off like the speed of light ending with a wide grin. Dean blinked, not believing his ears. "It is ¾ of a pound of high quality beef between freshly baked buns. I just work here, I don't make the prices."

Grumbling, he pulled out his wallet and handed her a wadded $20. "That burger better be made out of _pure gold!_" he mumbled to himself.

"What was your name to call when it's ready?" she asked, handing him his small amount of change back.

"Don't tell me you charge for that too…!"

"Your name?"

"Steve Tyler…"

"Alright, Steve! We'll have that right out for you! Would you like to buy convenience napkins to put in your bag?"

"No!"

"Oh! And it looks like your food is ready! Here you go! Have a nice day and come back soon!" she beamed, handing him a paper bag filled with his million-dollar burger and an oversized sweating Pepsi. Snatching them out of her hands, he grumbled and hastily strode out like something was following him. Peering over his shoulder, he could have sworn that the preppy cashier girl's eyes flashed black. _Demon?_ Blinking, he took another glance. Nothing. _Just keep moving, Dean_, he thought to himself. Purposely passing next to Baby, he stroked his hand across the hood as he walked, the previous tension fading with each step.

When he reached the salad joint, he was greeted at the door by a wide-grinned hostess. "Welcome!" she exclaimed, holding the door open for him. Glancing down at his sack of calories, her smile dimmed slightly.

"I'm meeting someone," he spat quickly and coldly at her reaction. Scooting past her, eyes continued to stare in an uncomfortable fashion as he found Sam at the register paying for his food. "Let's eat outside." Sam's eyebrows rose, not knowing the unpleasant mood where Dean abode. Shoving the door open, Dean took the lead as they found an empty, secluded table under the canopy.

"What's with you?" Sam inquired with furled eyebrows, his normal concerned face.

"I just paid a stupid amount for this! It'd better taste like heaven!" Dean carped while unwrapping the foil around his massive sandwich. Peeling the top bun off, mayonnaise and ketchup dripped off the sides as lettuce spewed over the edges. The smell of perfect meat instantly slapped them both in the face.

"Smells good," Sam smiled, trying to lighten the mood. Stacking french fries on the meat, Dean pulled out a tiny cup of pink sauce. Holding it up, he examined it, feeling a little confused.

"This isn't ketchup…"

"It's fry sauce. This region of the U.S. is known for it," Sam explained, stabbing his Chicken Chop salad as civilized as possible and shoving the flawlessly dressed greens into his mouth. Frowning and raising his eyebrows, Dean shrugged his shoulders and poured the sauce onto the his pyramid of fries. Smashing the top bun back on the burger, he wrapped his hands around the beast and opened his jaw as wide as he could. If only he was able to unhinge his jaw like a snake...then, stuffing his face would be that much easier...Taking an enormous bite, Dean teleported to his happy place of refined cow, starchy potatoes, and processed vegetables.

"Mmmm…." spoke enough for the satisfaction and sacrifice on Dean's behalf. Glancing through his peripheral vision, Dean jerked his head to the side as all of his muscles tensed up from the many years of monsters playing deadly games of hide and seek and cat and mouse. Castiel sat at the table with them. Sighing, Dean and Sam closed their eyes and both took deep breaths. You'd think they'd be used to it now-Castiel just appearing out of nowhere. "Da**it Cas! I had a mouthful of cow!"

"My apologies, Dean, but you did summon me here...I thought you would be expecting me," Castiel deplored monotonically through squinted eyes.

"Sorry, Cas, but we didn't summon you…" Sam breathed, stirring his salad between his fork.

"Dean said '_heaven,'_ so I assumed you needed me," Castiel explained as he glanced down at Sam's organized greens and Dean's sprawled out burger and fries.

"I just paid almost _$20_ for this whole meal, so I said, '_it'd better taste like heaven!' _ Didn't mean to cry wolf, Cas."

"What are you doing here?" Castiel asked with a flicker of curiosity in his usual poker face.

"We're on our way to a hunt up in Washington: a group of vampires. You game?" Dean expounded.

"Game? I was unaware we were participating in any _game_..."

"He means, did you want to come?" Sam smiled as Castiel's confusion squinted his eyes even further.

"If you need me, I will come," he replied sounding metaphorical and vanished in the blink of an eye. Not surprised at the sudden exit, they both sighed again and dove into their food.

"You _really_ paid almost twenty bucks for all of that?"

"Yeah…" Dean groaned. "But it tastes like a dream...a good dream...and this pink sauce-"

"Fry sauce."

"Whatever. It's hitting the spot," Dean smacked through greasy teeth.

"If you need me to drive part of the way-"

"Don't even _think_ about it," Dean's nostrils flared slightly, abruptly ending the conversation. The rest of the calm meal lasted in silence as they enjoyed their caloric pleasures.

With Dean's lead-foot, it wasn't long before they were in the boundaries of Washington State. Taking all the obscure exits to reach the little town of Forks proved surprisingly easier than anticipated. Coming to a random stop light, they waited, no one in sight behind or in front of them. Dusk was approaching as Dean glanced out at the horizon. Appearing in a blur, a pale, trendy yet classy-dressed woman with a dark brown pixie hair cut froze on her feet on the side of the road, staring back at him. Furling his eyebrows, Dean smacked Sam in the chest with the back of his hand. Peering back at where she stood, Dean's eyes shot back and forth, she vanished.

"What is it Dean?" Sam asked in alarm. Opening the door and stepping out, Dean took a full 360. Small dust clouds hovered above the dirt where the woman planted her feet. "Ghost?"

"No...she didn't phase in and out like the norm…" Dean responded. Slowly walking over to the dirt, he crouched, examining the barely visible footprints left as the only evidence anyone tangible lingered there for a moment. Scrunching his eyebrows even further, he noticed a second, larger set of footprints. They dashed southward. "There were two of them…"

"Demons or Angels?"

"No...they just disappear...these things just..._ran_…"

"Something we've dealt with before?"

"Not sure, but I have a strange feeling that Forks now knows we're coming."


	3. Chapter 2-CrushCrushCrush

*****Author's Note: I didn't forget about you guys, the wonderful readers of this story! I have just been extremely busy with work and school and life lately and haven't had a lot of time to focus on writing. I will continue to write at a slower pace, so I hope this chapter isn't too far missed. The satirizing in this chapter is something a normal family on a road trip might argue about, plus the awkwardness of Bella. It's a little shorter than the norm, but it's still fun, so please read! Chuckle if you will! Thanks for your patience and patronage! Enjoy!**

Cullens, Meet the Winchesters

AliZoe

AliZoe (c) 2015

Chapter Two

CrushCrushCrush

"CrushCrushCrush" by Paramore

Driving into Forks proved to be more awkward than anticipated. The little town almost felt superstitious as a new set of classy wheels and two rugged new faces interrupted the routine of normalcy.

"Why do I feel like everyone is staring at us?" Sam mumbled, rhetorically.

"Because they probably are...it's not their fault though. Baby's just that impressive," Dean smirked a reply, mocking the uneasiness. Glancing out the window, Sam watched the dull atmosphere of the town. The grungy, overcast weather put a weight on their shoulders as the people who populated this small town, seemed to be used to the heaviness. Someone in the crowd of mindlessly walking people caught his attention. Remembering what Dean had discussed about the strange encounter with the vanishing woman from earlier, he squinted his eyes as he appeared to have spotted her. She stood there, intently staring them down, whispering to a rather skinny, well dressed, wavy haired man next to her.

"Dean...I think she's back," Sam breathed, not taking his eyes off of them in case they would dissolve out of his sight. "There's a man with her. You're right, they're _really_ pale…" Not within a blink of an eye, a large group of teenagers passed in front of the two before Dean could pause to take a peek. Once the group walked on, they had disappeared.

"Where?"

Stunned and frustrated, Sam furled his eyebrows even further. "They're gone now. Those teenagers made me lose sight of them…!"

Matching Sam's squinted face, Dean pursed his lips and grumbled coldly, "No one can stalk those who stalk." Surprised at his metaphoric response, Sam turned his head to look at his brother. "I'm tired of being snuck up on!" The words rang cold in the air. After all of the ghost chases, Wendigos, Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, and other ghoulish monsters, Hell, and Purgatory _can you blame him?_

Finding the nearest motel, Dean swerved into one of the few parking stalls. "I call the bathroom first!" Sam bellowed in a rush to undo his seatbelt.

"I drove! _That's the rule!_ I get to use the bathroom first!" Dean rebuttled, launching himself out the door.

"Since when? That doesn't even make any sense!" Sam threw his arms out to the side with a face of vexation.

"Since now and always!"

"Well, we should check in first…"

"Okay, you can use the one in the office, I'll use the one in our room."

"No, _you_ can use that one!" The quarrel over the bathroom continued as they walked into the small lobby; no restroom was even in existence in that small room.

"May I help you boys?" the older lobby woman behind the desk widened her eyes as they approached the counter.

"One room please, with two beds," Dean replied.

"Do you have a reservation?" She asked them, smiling widely and moving her eyes up and down both of their faces.

Glancing at her strangely with a confused look, he answered, "No."

"No problem, we _always _have a room open for some handsome tourists…!" she winked at the both of them. Blinking with subtly dropped jaws, they straightened up uncomfortably and nodded their heads with polite smiles. "What is the name under?"

"...Axl Rose," Dean replied flaring his nostrils a little. An awkward pause befell the lot of them. "Our Dad was a real fan…" he forced a smile. Shaking her head in a tolerant way, she scribbled the name down in her guest list.

"You boys will be in Room 13," she handed them the key. Grabbing the key from her hands he nodded his head in thanks and glanced a semi-eye roll at Sam. Of _course_ they'd be registered to one of the most superstitious numbers in the world! _Why not?_

Slowly striding a little faster than Sam, Dean took the lead. Noticing his hustle, Sam scrunched his eyebrows and picked up his pace. Shoving and attempting to sabotage the other, they both reached the door at the same time. Pausing, they waited at the blocked entrance. "_I _have the key, Sam. _I_ get to go first."

"Well, I have a smaller bladder."

"How do _you_ know that? You're taller, so you can hold it longer!"

"That doesn't make sense, Dean! Just open the door!" Taking a sly glance back at Sam, Dean huddled in front of the doorknob and shoved the key inside the slightly rusted key hole. As quick as his experienced reflexes could take him, he swung the door open, slid inside, and managed to lock Sam out. Hearing his chuckle of victory from inside the room, Sam pounded the door in irritation. "Dean! Open the door! _Come on!"_

After what seemed like the longest ten minutes of Sam's life, Dean finally opened the door with a grin of satisfaction. "I was proud of that one…!" Dean boasted. "I'm going to go ask the creepy desk lady where the best diner is in this town while you relieve yourself. Good luck, Sammy!" Smacking Sam's shoulder, Dean strutted away.

Walking inside, Sam about rolled over from the putrid smell. "_What did you kill in here, Dean?!"_ Holding his breath, he slapped on the fan to the bathroom and bolted out the motel room. Promptly closing the door behind him, he inhaled a deep breath of muggy air. At least the noxious odor wouldn't be able to invade his nostrils anymore. Seeing Dean on his return, his face grew more aggravated. "You're disgusting…!"

Shrugging his shoulders, Dean continued to smirk. "There's a diner just down the street. Come on."

"If we die in our sleep due to your poisonous gas, I will make hell _more of a hell _for you!"

"Shrug it off, Sammy! Let's go!" Smacking his shoulder again, Dean took the lead down the sidewalk towards the diner. Shaking his head, Sam followed. The chill of a hidden gaze penetrated their spines, shooting goosebumps down their backs and through their skin like lightning. Instinctively, they carefully shifted their gazes from side to side. "I'm not the only one?"

"No…I feel it too…" Sam replied, pursing his lips. After all of the experience they had with every form of monster imaginable, this super sense had developed to an acute skill that benefitted the both of them.

Glancing at each other as the twilight began to spread across the sky, they detoured their route, switching on their survival instincts. Their ears heightened the vibrations to attract any supernatural sound that whispered in the air. Dilating their eyes came as second nature as the ever darkening atmosphere blanketed their path. Taking a detour into an abyss-like alley way, they reached under the backs of their shirts and pulled out their guns of choice. Glancing each other in the eye, they nodded in a silent agreement as they slowly slunk into hiding spaces behind a row of dumpsters. Virtually invisible footsteps trodden slowly across the alley way. A dark silhouette glided past them emitting confusion. Holding their breath as the figure of a misleadingly fragile, slender young woman passed, her head twitched from side to side, trying to find her prey.

Carefully and meticulously sliding out of their hide and seek game, Dean and Sam huddled behind the girl and took a breath. Her posture bolted around and in a blur, she faced them. Her skin, pale and almost pearly white spread across her monotone facial expression as copper eyes stared into their souls as if to read them. Her long wavy brown hair fell across her shoulders as she stood emanating disbelief. Silence betrayed them as she became stone cold and still as a statue with only their beating hearts and slow exhales relaying their obvious pulses of life in their bodies.

What seemed like a small eternity, her lips parted and whispered, "...How did you do that…? I'm supposed to be able to hear and sneak up on anybody…"


End file.
